Raw Beauty

I just read monika’s post about raw beauty on her blog, the doctor’s closet, and it got me thinking about the image I put out in the world every day. On my blog, I rarely if ever post a photo of myself without makeup (unless you count instagram photos that have so many filters applied you cannot tell). And for the fashion posts I occasionally do, lets-be-honest, I have countless photos taken to get a shot that I would deem-worthy to post on the internet. In my real life, I will occasionally run errands sans-makeup but typically throw on at least some bronzer + mascara before walking out the door.

Furthermore, I cannot lie that I dye my hair, apply fake tanner and paint my nails to slightly change/enhance what I look like in a ‘raw state’. I am not sure if this beauty regiment stems from magazines, pop culture or my peers but I have developed a mindset over time that the best version of myself is not what I look like in the morning, but instead, after I have primped myself in the bathroom.

I have so many girlfriends who wear minimal makeup (if any) and are always glowing. I honestly wish I felt confident enough to do the same more often. While I cannot say definitively it is from wearing makeup since middle school but the confidence I have in my ‘raw state’ is seriously lacking compared to the latter.

I do need to take a moment and say, my confidence in a ‘raw state’ has significantly improved over the years solely because of my husband. He gives me more compliments and adorations when I am fresh out of bed, wrapped up in a towel straight from the shower or lounging around on the weekend in my pjs. While confidence should not be based 100% by the feedback you get from another person, I am human and I am constantly a work in progress so  #donthate. I am truly grateful he sees a beauty in me that I often times over look.

Today I am taking a big step (in my book) by following in monika’s steps and posting some photos of my raw self. I am going to use this post as a reminder that raw is beautiful and to not be afraid to share this side of me more often.

2013+1

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It's 2014. I am feeling refreshed from some much needed time off, empowered by the goals I have set for myself and grateful for all the wonderful things that happened in 2013. I however, am feeling a bit stuck on where to start this year... more importantly where to start this post. 

I want to do more, be more and put more accountability on myself for the path and decision I make. I want to achieve goals that are so big I don't think I have even put them into words. I want to get up every day with a jolt inside that makes me anxious to get out of bed. I want to love what I am doing so deeply I cannot imagine my life doing anything but. I want to push myself in ways that test my will, determination and inner strength... so much that I surprise myself. 

By no means am I saying I am unhappy with the life I have or the path I have taken thus far, it is actually the opposite as I love my life. I just know that I can be more which can only bring me to a better version of myself. So, with so much nervous energy inside me I sit here a bit perplexed on where to dive first. I hope I am not the only person to experience such a predicament and that you can relate in some small way. In the mean time, I am focusing on the positive, doing a lot of yoga and putting my energy into things that 100% make me happy. 

In Honor of My Grandpa

This past saturday my grandpa lost his struggle with cancer after sixteen years of endless courage, faith, fighting and pure will. The past few weeks have been very hard and the past 72 hours have been even more difficult, as one would imagine. My grandpa was honored in the most beautiful service planned by my grandma in which nearly 300 people came to pay their respects. It was a true testament to the man he was and how he lived a life of service and dedication to his friends and family.

(my grandma and 11 of her 13 grandchildren)

My grandpa was a tanker in the us army and to have his burial at ft logan national cemetery with a 21 gun salute was honestly one of the most powerful experiences I have ever been a part of. I stood behind my grandma while the american flag was presented to her 'on behalf of the president and the united states of america', at that moment, all I could do was cry tears of pride as my family stood united together.

Over the past few weeks, it has been a blessing having all of my aunts, uncles, cousins and endless extended family come together for the love of my grandpa. He was and will continue to be the glue of our family and will forever be in our hearts and prayers.

Thank you for letting me share this very personal post today.

Quote of the Day

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Mental Unload

This weekend was an emotional one and honestly, full of blessings and miracles that are beyond words. My grandpa has been sick for a very long time and sadly, his health took a major turn for the worst this past friday.

I got a call from my aunt on friday afternoon saying that my grandpa was back in the hospital and the prognosis was of the worst kind. His health took a major hit and doctors said his time was limited. It was a very shocking call, as I had just been to my grandparents' house earlier in the week and he was doing so very well. 

(my grandpa and I in 2009)

My initial reaction was fear; fear of seeing my grandpa so weak and fear of what was to come for both my grandpa and my family. I found strength though the support of my amazing husband, beth and my aunts/uncles to suppress my fears and go to the hospital and I am so glad I did. All of my immediate and extended family trickled in throughout the evening, coming together and putting everything aside for my grandpa. It was powerful and a true testament to the strength of our family. 

The following hours, evening and days following are nothing short of tiny miracles as my grandpa is still with us today. While he is not back in 100% health, the stubbornness, will to live and pure fight within him has brought his health back to a much better place. There is hope for him to go home with palliative care and for him to be with all of us a bit longer. I cannot imagine this would be the case without our family coming together against all odds. I truly believe that. 

So many emotions came over me this weekend and still are now but I truly appreciate everyone taking the time to read this post and support me through this. I know this was a bit of a mental unload so again, thank you for your patience. 

Headache

My apologies for my absence on this little blog of mine over the past few days... there has been quite a busy schedule celebrating my husband's big birfday (friends and family over for a little celebration, a couple nice meals out and visits to the in-laws) and also a lot of relaxation on the couch.  Thus, my computer has been tucked far away for days. 

Today I am powering through a headache that developed early last night and has decided to stick around to haunt my morning.  I have to thank my amazing husband for waiting on me as I whined and pouted (no judging people!) into the wee-hours last night because I was having a bit of a diva-headache-moment.  He really does have more patience and compassion than I might have if the rolls were reversed.  

I am off to get some more tea, advil and hopefully a nice lunch.  Wishing you all a good Tuesday! 

Mental Unload

There is a big change coming up in my life that I cannot get off my mind.  I have been thinking about it constantly so as part of  processing it all, I feel like I just need to get it out of my head; so I am sharing it here.  I feel selfish saying this is a change in my life because truly it is not about me but more how I am affected by it.

Five years ago I met a tall, bubbly girl with curly hair, who's smile lit up the room.  We instantly became friends and I can say proudly that she is now my best friend.  We have laughed and cried our way through late nights on the couch, at bars and in each other's cubicles at work.  She is someone who truly gets me... the real me that I sometimes think I cannot be in fear of judgement from others.  We get each other's humor, can be honest about our shortcomings and tell horrible jokes that still make me laugh so hard I could pee my pants.  Simply, I am a better person because of our friendship.

(yeah, we always take pictures standing on the same side)

My friend is moving away next month and I have to say, I am 100% excited for this new chapter in her life, the love that has swept her off her feet and the opportunities on her horizon.  I by no means want anything buy the best for her and I know this chapter will bring nothing but that.  However... here it is... I am so incredibly sad she is leaving.

I feel like part of me is being taken away.  I am not going to get to see her five days a week, IM all day long and have her minutes away for Sunday dinners or random outings.  I know... we are still going to be friends and we are only five-or-so hours away but it still hurts just as much.  I am fearful that the next few weeks are going to be the last I see of her for months.  I am afraid I will be one of those friends who allows a friendship to weaken because of time and space.  

Friendship can withstand so much so I need to realize the silly thoughts in my head are more of an internal conversation than actuality.  However, I cannot pretend that these feelings are not real and something I need to work though.  Thank you for your patience with this post, I just needed a moment to have a mental unload. 

With a heavy heart...

It is only late morning on a Tuesday (early in the work week, my first day back to the office after a 3 day weekend) yet it feels like a rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I am lost on the floor trying to pick myself up.

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A dear friend from work has lost his battle with brain cancer this morning after fighting for three and a half years.  Keith and I have worked together for six years and through that time, we became very close friends.  We would shoot-the-shit on lazy afternoons, talk about my aspirations to become a food writer, find solace through humor about the horrible effects of chemo, tell stories about our families and be there for each other when we just needed a pick me up. 

Our office is eerily quiet as so many are reflecting and mourning the loss of their friend.  He was held in such high regard and someone who made us all better people.  The time had come for him to move on from this chapter in his life into his next yet, I still feel so much pain (just like so many others) as I am left missing my friend.

Keith… I will miss you shouting ‘J-Lo!’ from across the room, the Beatles songs you blared from your office, your one-liners that were so quick-witted, your smile, our inside jokes, your honest feedback, hearing about your endless love for your wife and family and most importantly, your ability to bring everyone together regardless of friction, opinion or chaos. 

Mosquitoes Make Me (B)Itch

I don't want to be a complainer, whiner or crybaby but I am running a little low on energy and excitement today due to the mass amount of mosquito bites I have!  I have gotten few hours of sleep as I wake up scratch... scratch... scratching some spot on my body.  

They have literally bitten every part of me (arms, legs, back, feet, fingers and sadly even 2 on my butt!... how that happened I have no idea) and I am associating it with the extensive amount of time I have been spending outside on our big backyard project.  Now I would not take back any of the work and time that has gone into our backyard but my goodness and I am over mosquitoes.  They are blood-sucking thieves who are in full-force and no amount of bug repentant can keep them at bay.  

I am going out on a limb (not really) that my husband is beyond tired of hearing me complain and/or pointing out the newest itching spot on my body so, I am going to try my best to not bring it up here or in person again.  

This might be a bit of a random post so thank you for bearing with me.  I will now step off my soapbox and get back to my Wednesday... trying not to think about my shin and tricep that are currently tingling with pain!

Life Update

I mentioned about six months ago that I decided to get a second job.  It is something I have had mixed feelings about from day one but thought it would be a good way to push myself to not only earn some addition money but to put myself into situations that are out of my norm and see how I stood.  Well, I am very sad to share that I have now parted ways with the j-o-b.  

I don't know why but I am truly sad that I decided to quite, regardless of the countless reasons that I knew I couldn't stay any longer.  I was working maybe 4-6 hours a week... if that.  I had to request at least 2 days off a week because of previous commitments or events with my friends and family.  And the most obvious reason I needed to quit... I was not saving any money.  Between the discount to buy merchandise and the gas to get there, the debt on my credit card was not going anywhere.

I doubt any of you really care but I wanted to just take a moment and put my thoughts down.  I am sad to leave a tight-knit group of women that made you want to do your best.  I am disappointed I will not have an outlet to test my patience and fears on a regular basis.  Last, I am sad to walk away from something that I truly did enjoy... regardless of how crazy that sounds.  

Thank you for putting up with this odd post. :)